Chapter One

Chapter One

'Love had taken our virtue and our innocence, because I was thrust into love and love was thrust into her. The world and its atrocities were a shadow behind the light of our affection. Since the beginning of time man has pondered the purpose of life. Whether we are all connected in one divine plan, or whether to each man his own. I know what lays destined after my death, I know the eternal father who waits with open arms for my return to what He considers his glorious valleys of forever. I know that I may also never reach that loving embrace. However, my death concerns me not, for I know, as to how I know I will explain as my story goes on.'
"How long has it been since your last confession my son?"
"Father I would ask if you wouldn't interrupt me during what I am about to reveal to you. I will open your eyes to the world you want to believe. Faith is remarkable, yet there still lies doubt in faith. My name is Caleb, and today I tell no lies."
"Tell me your sins then my son," the priest answered back almost defiantly. Almost.
Caleb looked around the tight space of the confessional, made himself as comfortable as he could, took a deep breath and with a grunt he began again.
'It was my life that worried me most, the why I am here that that kept me up at nights. The bible would become my best friend, and the church would become my haven, my sanctuary. I searched and searched for my answers but they never came. I viewed this not as an absence of God, but as an absence of my will to find out. I believe the excitement of life lies in finding that which we were given the mortal breath for. How does one live after the "chase" is over? Does the interest in each breath slowly ebb away, leaving you unfulfilled? This is what ran through my mind, in a marathon of anxiety. This all started after I first saw her. I knew her. Not in this lifetime, but she was burned into my memory, and at the first glance of her I felt as if I had never let her go. I wish I could tell you that her hair flowed as blonde as the rays from the sun, or that her eyes were so bright it looked as if the heavens had ran out of them and took pieces of the stars in replacement. That would not be telling the truth. She looked to be the saddest being I had ever encountered. The pity that consumed me when I first looked upon her could even now almost make me question the very existence of a God, that I would soon find out existed, who could let such sadness lay upon the mind of any living being. Could almost make me question, for as I said earlier, I already know. And as I also said earlier I will explain myself in due time. My purpose in life, I would find out, was not in anything I would do or achieve, but in this pathetic woman I saw before me, this pathetic woman whom I haven't been able to tear my eyes away from since. Every breath that filled my lungs, I knew, came from every beat of her heart. She was my savior, my salvation, and my salvation was almost as important as her, almost.
"So forgive me father, for I have sinned. My whole life, until I found her, was lived in the very epitome of sin. I am evil, but forgive me for I knew not what I did. I believed I was tricked by the dark son himself. Forgive me again please," Caleb said with a laugh. "I know I was tricked by the so-called evil one. Please do not think my mind unstable, but they have spoken to me. Not in my dreams, not in my fantasy, but in this mortal reality they have held an audience with me. Somehow I was born into Satan's hands, yet I was miraculously delivered into His loving embrace. She was my key through the door of heaven. I bring her up because she is the purpose of this confession. In the ugliness of my life she became my eyes, and I saw everything for the beauty it was He created. I beg forgiveness not for my sins in the past, for I have already been released and punished for those unspeakable acts. I beg for forgiveness for the sin I will commit. I need your advice and your counseling though I have made up my own mind. If you will allow me your time, I will tell my story. I believe this woman is the savior of me, behind every great man is a great woman. Behind EVERY great man. Though it may make you a bit put off to hear this, I know this to be true. For I have spoken with the Creator and his fallen son, and no matter how close to God you think you are, you have no idea of what you worship, none. I will try to explain to you though, my experience with the almighty and with the fallen one, I will try and show you the love that bore me anew."
'I was seven years old, and as far as I remember this was the beginning of my old life. I grew up in a small town in North Carolina. My mother was at home with me and if I can remember correctly, I never saw her leave the house. She was a woman of plain beauty, with dark eyes and dark hair. Her features were sharp as her eyes and she had such full lips, yet she carried around her bible everywhere she went, quoting scripture. One passage I'll never forget, she constantly berated me with. "Stand in the gate of the Lord's house, and proclaim there this word, and say, Hear the words of the Lord, all ye of Judah, that enter at these gates to worship the Lord. Thus saith the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, Amend your ways and your doings, and I will cause you to dwell in this place. Trust ye not in lying words, saying, the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, are these. For if you throughly amend your ways and your doings; if ye throughly execute judgment between a man and his neighbor; If ye oppress not the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, and shed not innocent blood in this place, neither walk after other gods to your hurt: Then will I cause you to dwell in this place, in the land that I gave to your fathers, forever and ever.'

"I know this scripture well; it is from Jeremiah chapter..."
"Father, I am very much assured your knowledge of the holy book, but I would respectfully ask you not to interrupt me. I will continue if all is well."
"Continue my child," the priest said warily.

'My mother would stare at me after she was done, she would silently, and eerily silent, just stare at me. I was just a boy at the time and didn't understand, but I am aware now that she knew, somehow she knew. For the longest time I did not see how that passage applied to anything, but now I think she was trying to secretly tell me something. I recall seeing her shed one tear the last time I heard a passage from the bible come from her lips, it was after my father died, soon after my mother would fall to death's sword.' Caleb paused for a second took a deep breath and then began again.
'My father was an old man, from what I can pull from memories, a grave depressed old man. He was a balding man in good shape from the work he did. The hair on the sides of his head was turning grey with the years pressing down on him. His features were round and his eyes were blue. He worked a farm to support his small family, not his own farm, another man's hundred acre land. He would work from sun up to sun down plowing his fields, planting his crops, and taking care of the animals, only to come home to a bottle of whiskey and an unforgiving wife. I would come to understand later that working on that farm was the only joy he received from life. The stretching land, the blue skies, the clean air was his heaven, his gift from God I believe. He was not a religious man, but listening to his wife constantly pounding in the same scripture that she would drill into me, he understood religion well, with me however, the scripture seemed to hit me and slide off for I never understood or acknowledged the significance of what my mother preached.
My mother greeted my father at the door one day with a big smile, a huge toothy grin that I'll never forget. My father, as well as I at the time didn't understand the significance of her unexplained happiness. He had gotten off of a hard days work, and pushed his way through our creaky, paint stripped door. Our house wasn't a house per say, it was more of a one bed roomed shack. Our water didn't work but we had a well outside and an outhouse that smelled of the deepest pit in hell. The floors were made of broken wood, but were so dirt ridden that without the walls and leaky roof, one would assume we dwelled outside. The life of a farmer was not a luxurious one, especially the life of a farmer who farmed another man's land.
My mother had greeted my father in such a way that I had never seen her, joyous. Her laughter all through out that night even brought a smile to my father’s lips, which in turn brought out a squeal of delight from my own mouth. My mother turned to me at my first sounds of happiness, frowning and shaking her head. I was disheartened at that and retired to my bed. I heard the noises of a love that I never knew existed between my parents, that night. I wasn't disgusted by it however; I was somehow enlightened by it. Nonetheless, the sounds were somewhat perturbing, so I made my way outside into the starry night. I walked a ways from my house and plopped myself down in the grass. I lay on my back staring into the eternity of night trying to see past the light of the stars and the full moon. The sounds of love emulating from my house had ceased, yet I was stuck in the cool night, trapped in a profound thought that a boy of my age shouldn't have been able to ponder. What is death? The question was glued to my mind and I was riddled with more and more unanswerable questions. What happens after you die? Is there a God, a God that my mother so fully believed in? What happens to the bad men and women that died? Did they go to the same place, or did they go to the hell I was raised fearing? I pondered these questions for what seemed like hours, only to look up at the full moon and realize it must have been only minutes. I noticed how high up and yet still big the moon looked. I made a wish then. I wished that things would change; I wish that I could get away from my boring life, my uncaring family, and my small house and go out in to the world. I even wished that I would die, sleep and never wake up. As my focus from death and other morbid thoughts drifted, the smell of sulfur filled my nose. I inhaled deeply trying to place the scent, yet the acrid air became fuzzy and thick and just made me cough violently. An eerie darkness consumed my eyes and it was when I stood up and my lungs stopped burning that I saw him in a light pushing through the darkness. If one could imagine the worst boogeyman ever to crawl out of a nightmare, this was not him. He was beautiful in every sense of the word with blue eyes that seemed to shine with a million souls and long blonde hair that curled past his shoulders. His skin was that of porcelain, pale just the same. My eyes saw nothing else in the space that I and this man filled. He wore all white, white sandals that rested on the bottom of long white pants. His white vest stood open revealing a perfect torso. I was in awe of this man, and instantly without even hearing a sound come from his lips, I wanted him to take me away from this hell I dwelled in. 'The irony of this will hit you later.' He just smiled at me then and nodded his head. I pondered where he came from and wished I could be taken there as well. The man just stood there letting his significance fill the silent void. He seemed a man of very few words. His lips stayed shut in that angelic smile, yet words filled my head as his blue eyes calmed my mind and put me at peace.
“You have a wish Caleb; I am your answer to that wish. Do you know who I am?" I shook my head. He laughed. "Ahhh but how would you know who I was. I am a friend Caleb, a genie of sorts like that of the genie in "1001 Arabian Nights" that your mother sometimes read to you years ago."
I had forgotten those memories until he had brought them up; my mother hadn't always just quoted scripture.
"You want to get away and I can make that happen. Do you want me to make that happen for you Caleb?" The man in white asked.
"Yes," was all I could answer, still dumbfounded by this beautiful person’s sudden appearance.
"You will say yes father when addressing Me." he said sternly.
Instantly I muttered, "Yes, father."
"Very good," he said, the smile quickly returning to his face. "Take this and keep it safe always," and magically, a jewel encrusted dagger appeared in his slender hands. "Do you understand what you are to do with this?" He asked.
"Yes father," I answered as he put the dagger in to my left hand. An ominous feeling had entered my body as soon as the cool hilt filled my hand.
"We have made a deal tonight Caleb, people may try to stop this deal, but we will not let them will we?"
"No father," I answered.
"With this deal you may leave like you wished, but you have to help me, I need something from you, would you help me like I am helping you?
Again I answered "yes father."
"Good I need something you have, I believe it is called a soul, but names are so trivial, and it is something you do not even use or really even need, do you know what a soul is Caleb?
"I have heard my mother speak of it in her scriptures from the bible, that it is God's gift to us." With that, the man in white wrinkled his nose in disgust.
"God's gift to you Caleb?" he asked rhetorically. "Well since I am giving you a gift and you have nothing to offer me in return but this gift, do you not think it would be rather rude if I left here with nothing?"
"Yes father."
"Good, then take my hand and shake it. I will give you what you want, freedom, and in return you will just give me your soul. All you have to do is shake my hand and the agreement is fulfilled and you have given me my present as I am about to give you yours. Is this to your liking Caleb?"
"Yes father," I answered again.
"Very good," he said with a toothy grin. My hand went out to meet his and he grabbed it and squeezed it hard. The beautiful man shook my hand and something like a clap of thunder sounded off in my head.
"The deal is done, see no foul play everything is as it should be only we need to get you your freedom." He put his hands on the sides of my head and closed his eyes. After a few seconds he opened them again with another toothy smile.
"Now do you know how to gain your freedom Caleb?"
"Yes father."
"Then go, and since you interest me I will check in on you from time to time, I think you will prove to be most entertaining." With that he vanished almost as soon as he had come. It was all I could do not to scream in excitement. An adventure lay before me, and those evil people inside, pretending to be my parents had to go. They had to pay for the way I was treated, and yet it had all happened so fast I wondered if I hadn't just imagined it. I looked down and in my hand lay the ruby hilted blade, shining blood red in the moon light captivating me with its luxury. So, it had been real, but the man had just come and gone with barely a word. I contemplated what he had told me and it didn't seem to make any sense. The man in white was my father and he would take me soon. I was excited yet suddenly afraid. He had talked to me for barely a minute’s time, and I had no idea who the man was. I had not been pondering the thoughts for three breaths when a pain wracked my head so bad it pushed me to my knees. The thoughts instantly vanished and all I could think of was how to get rid of this agony. Tears were streaming down my face when a voice thundered in my head.
"This is how you gain your freedom Caleb; I have said it and it will be. You and I will converse at a later time, for now just trust my word and go." The voice had vanished with the pain.
I stood up and wiped the tears from my face. I looked up to the moon and then turned around and walked back to the weather beaten shack that was ahead. Every step I took filled me more with joy, and the closer I got the more fulfilled I felt. A twang of dread hit me then, and I could have swore that I felt the anticipation, and love emanating from the tiny, wooden abode ahead. A flash of pain hit my skull and forced my head to look up at the stars that filled the night sky. It seemed like the moon had shined its light down directly on my home, as if showing me the way. The tall grass swayed in the caressing summer breeze, and even though I was young, I somehow knew my destiny was before me. I reached the broken steps to my front porch, and stepped around the termite eaten hole in the middle of the floor boards. I placed my hand on the rotten door and slowly pushed it open. The creaking from rusted hinges echoed through out my skull like a thousand stampedes, yet nothing stirred. With the dagger gripped tightly in my left hand, I made my way to where my parents slept. My feet landed on the grittiness of the floor, rolling the dirt under my feet in an almost pleasurable way. Every step seemed like my feet were yelling to my parents that I was coming, yet no one stirred. I passed the charcoal black stove that smelled of dying embers, still rolling my feet on the ground. I stopped and adjusted my grip on the dagger. My palms were sweaty and my stomach was tossing in my body with every movement. I kept still getting my bearings. I suddenly became lucidly aware of what I was doing and I dropped the dagger, my legs started shaking and I began to cry.
"I can't, I can't, I can't......" I just repeated over and over until a cool whisper pierced my ears.
"You can, do not be afraid. You can and you will. For your freedom remember." The voice left and all of a sudden my determination returned.
I bent over in the hallway and picked up the jewel covered blade. I shook the filth off of it back onto the floor where it belonged. This knife was too precious to get dirty. My feet began moving as my mind stayed behind. I saw myself walking up to my parent’s door and again pushing it open careless off the creaky, rust covered hinges. The loud snoring hid my movements from sleeping ears, as I walked up to rotten tomato colored blanket which covered my parents in a barrier of secure warmth. My mind floated in the hallway, watching my body standing over the smiling face of my weathered father. The bed was just a mere mattress on the floor. The points to some of the springs pointed out of the sides of the dirt stained mattress. I watched my left hand rise in the air above my father's caring face. The moonlight caught the silver blade and held it there in the air as a barely inaudible scuttle was heard in the corner of the room. My mind snapped back in to my body and feeling flooded in to me. I immediately dropped my eyes to the corner of the room where I saw a beetle struggling to lift its feet and climb the wall. I inhaled deeply and coughed as the dust from the floor stabbed my lungs. My fathers eyes opened to the blade above his head, they opened even wider when the confusion immediately faded. He did not try to move or stop me; he just looked over to his wife who had also just woken up. Shock was apparent in his face and as he looked back at me the blade came down. I will never know the truth of this, but I do not believe the blade came down on purpose, as I had realized I should not be doing this. The evilness had slapped me in the face but I believe it had also brought the blade down hard and deep into the brown eye of my simple father. His body pulsed once and he was still again, back asleep. My body was uncontrollable yet I coughed once more hoping ignorantly that it would wake him again. My hand still gripped the hilt of the dagger plunged in my father's eye. My right hand moved itself on his forehead pressing down as my left hand pulled upward releasing the dagger from its once warm embrace with death. Tears of blood streamed out of father's eye as tears of sorrow streamed out of mine. Whatever was controlling me could not control my emotions. Sitting up on the mattress with the ratty blanket still over her legs my mother had her head down and her hands clasped under her chin in prayer. Her lips were moving furiously, slightly moving the brown hair caressing her face. I stood on the floor still next to my father, the dagger hovering in the air above his lifeless body. My mother showed no tears, no sadness, and no eagerness to try and stop me. She showed only acceptance through her prayers, and knowledge of something I could not understand. I don't think she could have stopped me had she tried despite my small, frail form. I was too strong; whatever controlled me was too filled with evil to be stopped by her.
My little leg lifted and I stepped onto the mattress bringing my other leg with me. I stepped forward again nearly straddling my father's stomach. I looked one last time in to his face, and more tears began flowing. The blood had completely soaked the right side of his face. My eyes went back to my mother who had stopped her prayer and was looking directly back at me. My eyes were about a foot away from hers, and I knew she wasn't looking at me but inside of me. Her eyebrows raised and her eyes widened stretching out the wrinkles on the sides. The moonlight was her spotlight. This was her moment. She knew what was going to happen and I would even think she knew who was making it happen. She made no move to restrain me or flee, and I would not find out why until later. She shed one tear, and I believe that one tear was for me. She would never want to seem weak in the face of evil, yet she showed me, if I had been somewhere inside that evil puppet of a seven year old boy, that she loved me. My mind fought my body then, with every movement yet it was like blowing against the wind. My moms lips parted and she began to speak.
"Beloved, follow not that which is evil, but that which is good. He that doeth good is of God: but he that doeth evil hath not seen God." She sighed and closed her eyes, I felt my lips form a condescending smile and I was helpless to fight it. My mother leaned her back against the wall and took a deep breath as I moved towards her. My left hand reached up high the dagger dripping blood yet still blazing with the moonlight. My mother spoke again.
“You are not my son, my child is free from this," the dagger came down then and plunged in to her left breast. She didn't scream. She didn't show pain. It was as if I had plunged the blade in to another's breast. My mother's hand came up and she caressed my cheek. My tears hadn't stopped, as an understanding far beyond my years had hit me. She continued caressing my face as my left hand stabbed the blade through her body over and over again. I could feel the hatred pouring out of my facial expressions, yet my mom kept her focus on my eyes and she knew. She held on to life and the pain just a little longer caressing my face and showing me the only love I had ever known.
"God is with you, and so will I be. I am sorry Caleb." the light in her eyes dimmed and her head fell again to her chest. She was gone as was the anger in my body. I was alone, and the night seemed to swallow me whole. I was changed. My mother had spoken the only words to me that had not been scripture for as long as I could remember, and it was on her literal death bed. I stood there for a moment taking in the horrors of what I had just done. My body was mine to control again yet I was different. I climbed on to the bed, curled up in between my mother and father's lifeless bodies and pulled the covers up over my body to my chin. The strong smell of metal hung in the air along with the smell of urine and feces, yet it did not bother me. I didn't cry any more, I just closed my eyes and prayed. I prayed to my mother and I prayed to my father but I did not pray to God. I had forgotten him; he had been erased from my memory. I prayed until consciousness had left me. My dreams took me to my parents and for the night I was happy.


"Do you believe a child can sin father?"
"Are you addressing me now, or is this a part of your story?" The priest asked almost sarcastically, almost.
"I am asking you, do you feel, in your experience with God that a child can sin, not can a child do wrong, but can a child sin?" Caleb asked earnestly.
The priest sat perplexed for a moment and then answered. "I believe that a child can be misguided and yes sin in a manner of speaking. Although I believe the sin is not the child's to bear. I have become aware that you are well versed in the good book, so you know in Revelations..."
"That all children are taken in the rapture yes I know father," the man interrupted.
"If you would like for me to show you the respect of listening to what you have to say, then I would ask you to show me the same respect when it is my turn to speak. I'm sure you feel you have a deeper connection with God then I do, but this is still my church, and my confessional."
Caleb sat back for a second and thought about the priest's words. Then he replied. "Forgive me once again father. I am anxious to ask your opinion, yet in order for you to give me the insight I am craving, I need you to hear everything. Time is not something I have right now."
This time it was the priest who was taken aback by this man's words. Filled with anguish and a depression he had almost never encountered. He seemed honest and genuine and with a profound interest the priest asked him to continue.
Caleb regained his composure and started again. "I asked you if you believed a child could sin for a couple of reasons. First, what I have told you is the beginning of my sin, not the last, not the last by far. And second, as a child and even in to adulthood, though I was aware of everything I was not in control. But even that is to be disputed in what I tell you. I will continue." Caleb saw the priest’s head nod through the screen of the confessional.


'When I woke in the blood soaked bed, sandwiched between the empty shells of my parents, I stretched and yawned as if a normal day. I wiped the night out of my eyes, and looked around to catch my bearings. What I saw still scares me to this day. Not what I saw maybe more of how I saw it. I felt nothing. No remorse, fear, sadness, or even pity, nothing. I grabbed the jewel encrusted blade out of my mother's breast, ignoring the sickening sucking sound it made as it slid out of her body and stepped over her onto the gritty floor. I stretched one last time before I pulled the covers over my parent’s heads. The last thing I remember of them was my moms smile. It seemed in death she was happier for me than in life. I don't know if I will ever understand that. I walked out of my parent’s room, rolling my feet over the dirt on the ground as always, and shut their rotting door. It was my goodbye. I walked down the small, narrow hallway to my bed, and stripped my bloody clothes off. I looked to my right and there in our big metal tub was steaming water. To this day, I can't figure out how it got there, but I can most definitely imagine. Naked I stepped into the water still holding the dagger tightly, nothing. I plopped my entire small body in to the steaming water, stabbing the dagger in to the ground next to the tub. Again, there was nothing. The steam was almost choking me and yet I couldn't feel its warmth. As I wiped the water than had splashed in my eyes when I sat down away, I heard a deep resonated laughter in the back of mind, echoing off of my ear drums. I smiled along with laughter and began to clean myself.
I left the tub water a pinkish red color as I got out and began to towel off. I had only one thought, what next?'
"Now father I realize one must be asking, how does a seven year old possess such profound thoughts? I have wondered this myself over the last couple of years and can only imagine that the thoughts were not my own, or more that they were influenced by another's thoughts." Caleb could imagine the priest's inquisitive look after his words, yet still the priest said nothing. "I suppose I will continue."
'What happened next was another thought pushed in to my head, but considering the circumstances I suppose it was a good one. Just considering the circumstances. I dressed myself in a pair of torn denim pants, and a brown and white striped short sleeved shirt. I slipped my hole ridden shoes on and walked out of the front door. My legs took me too the tiny shed at the side of our modest shack, to a canister filled with oil. As luck would have it there were matches on a shelf above of the oil canister. I walked back inside my house with my newfound possessions and began spilling the oil everywhere purposely. From my parents room, down the hall way, rolling my feet on the dirty floor the whole time. I still found joy in something. To the living room and out the front door, I made a little line of oil that stretched a couple feet away from the shack, and lit a match. The sky was the clearest of blues with not a cloud in the sky. A raven circled around the house in the sky as the sun weighed heavily on my shoulders. I dropped the match in to the oil and sat on the ground watching the flames spread around the small dry rotted structure. Then as if hearing my thoughts the bright orange flames shot straight up in to the sky in a glorious bonfire of hate, filling my horizon with a deep dark smoke. For an instant I wanted to rush in and grab my parents out of the house, only for an instant, than that feeling died down as with the burning shack. The house was too small for the fire to survive very long. I began getting sad as the orange and yellow heat fell to the ground. It was then my mind and body became wracked with pain and worry as I realized I had left the dagger stuck in the ground next to the tub. The pain was unbearable and I began to sob. I thought I was dying.
"Caleb, that knife never leaves your person,” the voice boomed inside my skull and it was all I could do not scream in pain. "When you are able, retrieve that knife and leave this place. You will know where to go. The pain is your penance for disobedience,” and then it was gone. I could only imagine the voice was that of my new found father's. I loved him. I needed him. He was my savior. I lay writhing on the ground in complete agony for what must have been hours until the fire burned low and the house was near gone. The sun was still in the sky as I somehow managed to lift my body from the grass. The pain was still wracking my entire body as a beam of light shined in my eye. There, through the burnt down rubble of the house, the jewel encrusted dagger stood stuck in the ground glinting in the sunlight seemingly untouched by the fire. I walked through the debris, and small patches of flames, trembling with pain. When I reached the knife I thought I would pass out from the torture. As soon as my first finger hit the hilt of the blade the pain was gone and I felt like a new child. I smiled and jumped for joy as the pain was gone. I thanked my father for releasing me of the hell he had put me through. I picked the dagger up and put the blade in my pants with the hilt resting against my lower abdomen. I put my shirt over it and turned towards the sun. I would follow the setting sun to my new future. My destiny awaited me and though as a child I should have been terrified, lost and dumb. I was excited, strong, and my intellect was beaming. The world was mine, and I would take it for my father until I could be with him. I never once realized that I hadn't felt the blade burn me like it should of, there was no mark on my body.